


I'm Not the Girl

by wolfeyes22



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: F/F, Sanvers Forever, don't let the title fool you
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-21
Updated: 2020-03-21
Packaged: 2021-02-28 23:55:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,136
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23245876
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wolfeyes22/pseuds/wolfeyes22
Summary: This is based only a couple months after they break up. I don't talk about Alex breaking her leg, and Kelly is not yet involved. This would've been how I fixed it by the end of S3. This new VR Alex thing though might bring another idea to my head so who knows if they'll be a more recent fix. I hope you enjoy.
Relationships: Alex Danvers/Maggie Sawyer
Comments: 10
Kudos: 55





	I'm Not the Girl

Alex watched the credits roll for a few minutes before finally giving in as she reached for the remote and switched off the TV. She plopped her head back on the pillow and sighed, the rom-com she’d chosen to watch wasn’t her wisest decision and it caused a familiar ache in her chest to rise. Unless it was movie night with Kara, rom-coms were usually forbidden but lately it was the only genre that seemed to pull Alex out of her current state, that is until it was over. Real life was nothing like the story played out on the screen. There were no magical fixes or big declarations of love, just the same old feeling of missing Maggie and the knowing it had been her choice to end it. It’s not like she would take back what she said, at least not entirely, and she still believed kids were important to her and she’d be missing something in her life without them. But what she has also realized is how empty her life is without Maggie. As she looked around the studio apartment it hit her again just how lonely it felt. What had she done in this place prior to Maggie? She couldn’t even remember. All it held now were haunted memories of the best year and a half of her life. She turned and stole a glance at her big empty bed before re-adjusting into her sleeping position on the couch. Outside of a handful of times when she drunkenly stumbled her way to the bed, she rarely slept in it in the 2 months since Maggie had walked out the door. It hurt too much…still. She’d hoped after the first couple weeks it would get easier but the few times she’d tried, either the scent of Maggie, the feel of empty space next to her or the overwhelming memory of their last time making love would send her scrambling back to the couch. She considered selling it and getting a new one, one that didn’t hold such painful, powerful memories but a part of her felt she deserved being reminded of that pain.

She closed her eyes to force herself to sleep. She resigned after several minutes, she got up and poured herself a whiskey and put it in the microwave. She hoped something warm would lull her to sleep. She grabbed the honey and the lemon juice and waited for the ping. Her mind drifted back to the movie she had just finished: The main character had silently tortured herself for years pining for her best friend, never gathering the courage to tell him about her feelings. She was given the opportunity to go back in time and change a moment when she had her chance to tell him but hadn’t (and there had been several). But she could only travel to that moment once, so as per every rom-com, her first attempts went terribly bad, then of course she is able to figure it out in the end by telling him in the present time. Alex couldn’t help but think about what point to which she would travel back to alleviate her current heartache.

She could travel back to that airport terminal and give Maggie jurisdiction and walk away without care. This would lead to not getting invited to the alien bar, which would never allow her friendship with Maggie to grow, which in turn would make her never realize her own sexuality, which would most definitely make her not realize her feelings for Maggie and voila, she wouldn’t be here now because she never would’ve loved Maggie in the first place. Ultimately, she knew that would be the wrong time to go to, it took her 28 years to really figure herself out and she wasn’t about to go back to that version of herself. 

She could travel back to the time after their disastrous first kiss, when she had chosen to avoid Maggie. She could choose not to let Maggie’s “I don’t want to imagine my life without you in it” speech, get to her and not meet her for pool the following night which means their relationship never starts and again would remove the heartache she currently feels. But just the thought of never really getting to know Maggie or experiencing that second kiss or their first time or…she could go on and on, meant that choice wasn’t an option either. 

She could choose the obvious and travel back to the night when she confessed to Kara about her desire to have kids, the night she woke Maggie with her crying but this time decide not to tell Maggie about wanting kids. Which would mean no arguing for days about it, which would mean no break-up. How do you break-up over kids if you never confess to your fiancée that you want them? You don’t. Perfect. Alex knew that wouldn’t work either. That way would only lead to resentment and would only cause her more heartache not less. At least this way they parted amicably, at least as amicably as two exes could be when one of them breaks the other's heart. 

No, Alex knew the point in history she would have to choose. She'd go back to the first night after meeting Ruby, the first time she heard Maggie say "she never pictured herself as a mom". This time though she wouldn't shrug it off despite the way her heart fell into her stomach at those words. This time she would be honest with Maggie like they had always tried to be with each other. She wouldn't just tell Maggie what she thought Maggie wanted to hear. She wouldn't let the fear and despair of possibly never having kids build up so much in her it made her lose all sense of being able to really listen to Maggie's side of things. But, alas, there was no magical time machine to help fix what she had broken. She'd just have to live her life without her best friend. 

Alex had had a small glimmer of hope after getting back from Earth X. Despite both Kara's and Sara's insistence that she had done the right thing, she knew she hadn't. When she made it back to her Earth she wanted to race over to Maggie's place, beg and plead with her to take her back. She wanted to throw herself into Maggie's arms and get lost in one another again, but she knew how badly she had hurt Maggie and she deserved more than a sudden late night drop-by from Alex. Maggie deserved the chance to choose whether or not to see Alex again. So she settled on phone calls and text messages, even a couple emails...all which went unanswered. Maybe she would choose to go back in time to that point but this time follow her first instinct. It was probably better this way though, Alex still wanted kids and Maggie didn't as far as she knew. And she would choose missing Maggie every day for the rest of her life over the possibility of ever having either of them resenting one another over this.

The beep of the microwave tore her from her thoughts, she grabbed the cup, added the necessary ingredients and took as big of a sip as she could handle of the hot liquid. "Mmm..." she breathed audibly. A cup or two of this would most likely help sleep come a bit easier tonight. She took another sip, her eyes closing of their own accord. The warmth of the drink filled her belly and she was feeling slightly more relaxed but a knock on the door startled her and the flinch of her hand made a small amount of liquid spill onto the counter. "Who the hell?" Alex cursed as she threw the towel over the small spill and headed to the door quickly, stopping only to grab her gun out of the drawer by the door. She knew it wasn't Kara or work neither would show up and knock unannounced. Kara usually just used the window when she did that. She heard another knock that seemed softer this time and peeked through the peephole. She felt her heart speed up. It couldn't be. Could it? She looked away to clear her head and looked again. There she was...Maggie Sawyer. When she looked away this time her mind focused more on the state of her apartment. Her couch was covered with snacks and blankets. The whiskey bottle sat open on the counter, the spilled liquid most likely still soaking up the towel she'd thrown on it, the too full trash can and the small pile of dishes she hadn't gotten to yet. She didn't want Maggie to see this but...oh crap Maggie, Maggie was at the door. She grabbed the knob, unlocking the door as quickly as possible and pulled it open to see Maggie about to turn away, a small smile formed on her lips when she saw Alex "Hey." she said softly. 

Maggie..." Alex replied back incoherently, she wasn't sure if she had said it out loud or only thought it but just the mere presence of Maggie overwhelmed her senses. But before she could say anything else Maggie was talking again.

"Before you ask me to leave or maybe slam the door on me I hope you'll let me get this off my chest."

Alex's eyes traveled over Maggie. God, she was so beautiful, like that would ever change. But there were small differences, so small she'd doubt anyone who didn't know her as well as Alex did would even notice but they were there. The slightly heavier layer of foundation under her eyes. Clearly an attempt to hide the deep lines that were etching themselves, Alex knew those lines were from lack of sleep, she saw them every time she looked in the mirror. There was also the fingernails that had been chewed down. Not to mention the leather jacket that hung just a little looser on Maggie's shoulders when this particular jacket used to fit her like a glove. She had become so absorbed in Maggie it took her a minute to realize she hadn't answered Maggie. She wasn't sure if she could form words yet so she just nodded at Maggie to continue. 

Maggie again gave her a small smile and took a breath "I'm not..."Maggie trailed off as her voice broke. She lowered her head and cleared her throat. "Sorry." she said as she blinked her eyes to clear the tears that seemed to have welled up. It took everything in Alex not to reach for her and pull her into an embrace and tell her everything would be okay. But then Maggie started again.  
"I'm not the girl who works well with a partner. I'm not the girl who says no then changes her mind and dates the 'newbie'. I'm not the girl who stays the night after the first time, I don't make coffee that morning and I'm never the girl who calls in late for work to spend more time with her new girlfriend. I'm not the girl who gives second chances or the girl who does Valentine's Day. I'm not the girl who seeks closure from an ex especially when I've already moved on. I don't talk about the future first, ever. And I am absolutely not the girl who would even consider for a second sacrificing my career for a woman. I'm not the girl who says yes to a proposal after a year of dating. Or the girl who plans a big wedding. I don't push myself to find acceptance in myself after years of seeking it out from others. And I am never the girl who shows up at her ex's house hoping to change her mind about us. I'm not the girl, Alex, who wants kids...but honestly I don't know what that means anymore." By the end of her confession a few tears flowed freely down her face, she gently wiped them away and looked at Alex expectantly. 

Alex herself had tears falling, she couldn't believe what she was hearing. Her heart was pounding so hard in her chest she knew Maggie had to have heard it. Was she hearing Maggie right? Could she be saying the exact thing Alex had wanted to hear for months now? "Wh, wha...what exactly are you saying, Maggie? she finally found her voice. 

Maggie closed the gap between them, cupping Alex's face in her hands. The move brought back memories of their second kiss and Alex allowed herself to fall into it. "Don't you see Alex." she wiped a tear from Alex's face with her thumb. "From day one you have been the exception to every one of my rules. It's always and only you. I can't make any guarantees Alex, I won't do that to you but when I think back on our life together I have never been able to say no to you."

This was it, this was the moment Alex had been waiting for and yet she found herself only focusing on the last thing Maggie said. She pulled herself away from Maggie but kept her hands in Maggie's, despite the dread filling her she didn't want to lose the contact. "Maggie, I...I have been dying for this to happen. I've dreamed it every single second of every day since you walked out this very door. But having kids is a big deal and if you're only here because to want to make me happy and don't actually want them yourself, this only ends ba..."

Maggie interrupted with a quick swipe of her fingers over Alex's lips and it made her shiver. "I said I couldn't guarantee anything. I'm not standing here promising you that we'll have kids in a year. I won't lie to you and say that all of a sudden I picture myself as mom, but I also know whatever decision we make I won't regret it or resent it. Every time I've chosen you it's worked out better for me. I became a better cop when I started working with you. I became a better person when I apologized to Emily and started trusting a little more. I had the best year of my life when I chose to give us a chance. Did I get hurt in the end, yes but my time with you...I wouldn't take any of that back even knowing how it ended. I'm not saying I'm not scared to have kids, I am. I'm scared I'll be a horrible mom, I'm scared you'll realize you could've had a better partner, or that I won't love our kid as much as you do, or that I'll screw them up or that I'll end up dying...and leave them all alone. But I also know you'll be by side and that you'll be an amazing mom and more than make up for any of my shortcomings. Because that's what we do, we complement each other, we fight together. It's who we are. I just wish I realized all this sooner." 

Alex's heart lifted at Maggie's words. She knew how it felt to wish you had realized something so simple sooner. "You need to know you aren't the only one with regrets Maggie." She pulled Maggie the rest of the way into the apartment, closed the door and moved them to the couch. Once seated she squeezed Maggie's hands and met her eyes. "There is so much I would change if I could go back. I should've told you right away I wanted to be a mom. I shouldn't have tried to downplay that."

"I never wanted you to..."

"I know." Alex interjected. "The truth is I retreated back to that scared girl I used to be. The one who thought if I didn't say what you wanted you wouldn't want me anymore. If I wasn't what you wanted me to be you wouldn't love me anymore."

Maggie's eyes filled with concern "Alex."

"Let me finish." Alex stopped her. "It wasn't your fault. You didn't do anything to make me feel that way. I did it all on my own. And when I finally realized what I was doing, I overcompensated for it. Instead of telling you the truth and talking honestly with you about it I shut down all your thoughts, all your reasons. I ignored all your arguments. I didn't fully listen to your side those last few days. I told myself I was doing this for me. That I was being brave and fighting for something I desperately wanted and not settling for anything less. But the thing is I was pushing you away because I didn't want to go back to being the Alex that always does everything for everyone else. I distanced myself and became cold to you. I convinced myself I didn't need you to be happy. I want kids Maggie, that hasn't changed. But I want you too. I want both. And I should've said that that day. I'm sorry I made it sound like you weren't enough. Because you are. My life isn't complete if I don't have you in it because kids without you won't be enough. Us having kids could only add to our story. I think the love we have should be shared with 1, 2 or 5 kids. Because we have so much of it to give. And truthfully, selfishly speaking...I want our great great great grand-kids talking about our epic love story some day."

Maggie smiled and Alex's heart jumped, god she had missed those dimples. "That doesn't sound so bad." Maggie leaned in and pressed her forehead against Alex's. "We still have a lot to talk about, because this isn't a conversation that is near over. But...I'd really like to kiss you now."

Alex laughed, she knew Maggie was right. She knew a longer conversation was necessary to really allow each of them to let out their desires and fears about the future. Alex knew their jobs were a big deterrent to having kids, she also knew Maggie had deep-seeded issues when it came to family despite the immense progress she had made she still had a ways to go. But that could wait until tomorrow, right now her own life was playing out like one of those romantic comedies she'd been watching so tonight should have the perfect ending to complement it, she smiled at Maggie and shrugged "You did say you should kiss the girls you want to kiss." And she filled the small gap left between them and pressed her lips to Maggie's. She could almost hear the sappy music start playing.


End file.
